Wednesday, April 3, 2024

Driving Lessons for Stupid People - A Manifesto

 



I would like to say (because it’s trendy at the moment) “I don’t know who needs to hear this…….”, but I do know. It’s you. Yes you, the person parked in the left lane doing the speed limit. Let’s get something straight right off the bat. In America, there is no speed limit in the left lane. Period, end of story. This is not up for debate. It is a fact. I don’t care what the signs say, I don’t care what the tyrant politicians say, I don’t care what the cops say. Good drivers know that you don’t drive the speed limit in the left lane. Yet, there are those that for some strange reason haven’t figured this out, or they have and refuse to accept it. Either way, we’re going to get to the bottom of it right now.

1. The proper way to drive in the left lane, regardless of what state you’re in, is to constantly accelerate. It’s that simple. You just go and keep going. If you come upon another car, they need to speed up, or they can move over and let you by. If another vehicle comes up upon you, it’s your responsibly to either speed up or get the hell out of the way. This is the golden rule of the road.

1a. The golden rule’s younger sister - I’ve seen this posted numerous times on social media, so it’s good that it’s getting out there. And that is, if more than one vehicle passes you on the right, you are the problem. Move over to the right lane. This goes for any lane that you are traveling in. If you’re being passed on the right, you are going to slow for traffic. And yes, traffic sets the average speed limit, not the sign on the side of the road and not you. Traffic and the highway are a great metaphor for life. You can’t control it and it doesn’t care about you. Play along and fall in line and you’ll make it. Fight it and you will lose. Every. time.

2. Yield. It is a simple word with a slick looking graphic. It means, “to give over possession of as in defeat or surrender.” In other words. You lose. If you and I are on a road and you see a yield sign, it quite literally means that I’m better than you and that I have the right of way. It means that you have nothing going for you and should just stop. It means when you merge on to a road, I don’t have to move. You, having the yield sign however, do have to slow down and maybe even stop completely, but I’m free to hold the lane all day. I know this is tough because we all think we are important, but we’re not. I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll not be a dick and move over when I see you merging, if you promise to also not be a dick and slow down instead of gunning it off the ramp. Deal?

3. Braking on a highway should be reserved for when you actually need to stop or come damn close to stopping. The vast majority of the time, on a highway with no traffic lights, you should brake by letting off the accelerator and coasting. This means paying attention to traffic and obeying what the other drivers have determined to be the speed limit (see 1a). Unless of course you’re in the left lane (see #1). Hitting your brakes causes a domino effect and leads to backups and fender benders. This is never more evident than when watching a tailgater. The tailgater will speed up and hit the brakes causing everyone behind him to do the same often leading bigger problems.

4. Turn signals. For the love of god, use them. But use them wisely. There is a right and a wrong way. The right way is to put your turn signal on early and before you apply the brake. The wrong way to use them is to hit the brakes first, wait until you’re at the turn then put them on for a second. When I’m behind you, I have no idea why you are slowing down. If I’m not paying attention, I may have to swerve around you so that I don’t hit you. Or if I think you’re just an idiot, I’ll just pass you. But as I do, you might turn into me. This can all be avoided by putting the turn signal on first. Then applying the brake.

5. Lost. It happens, the GPS doesn’t work or is flat out wrong. Your phone disconnects, you lose the signal, or you’re just not sure where you are. Do not slow down. Do not randomly pull over. The world doesn’t exist around you. No one cares that you’re lost. Don’t make your problem everyone else’s problem just because they happen to be on the road with you when your GPS shit itself. Maintain your speed (or acceleration #1) and wait until there is a parking lot or off ramp for you to pull over.

6. Fill in the gap. At a red-light, a stop sign, or in general traffic. Do not stop and leave a gap between your car and the one in front of you. Pull up. There are people behind you that might need to make turn or are stuck in the previous intersection because you’re taking up too much space.

These are just some of the rules of the road. They are not my rules. I didn’t invent them and there are plenty more. This is how people actually drive. Most of this list is simple common sense, or it should be. If nothing else, following the above advice may help you avoid being the victim of road rage. If you don’t agree, that’s fine. I don’t actually care. But next time you’re on the road doing ten miles above the speed limit and being tailgated or passed on the right, don’t ask what is their problem, instead, remember this list and move over to let them by because their pro

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